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A WAY TO HAPINESS

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A WAY TO HAPINESS

Post by kinra on 7/4/2009, 1:56 pm



Tittle:
a way to happiness

characters:
Alexandra (fictional),DBSK

rated:
NC-17

Sypnosis:
A girl named Alexandra moves to study to Seoul.She hopes that changes can bring something new to her life, but she is not motivated to fight for her happiness.
She forgot that happiness can exit in her world, that's why she simply wonders through her life.
But one day few misunderstandings cause her to meet a person who will bring her to life again...
Life is like hills of joy and oceans of sorrow.It doesn't flow in one line.
you can get used to these waves and fight for your self or just give up and drown.
This is a way every person lives and Alex is not an exception.
But will she be able to get through hardships and find her own way, a way to happiness....

kinra
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Re: A WAY TO HAPINESS

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:00 pm



Kinra
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chapter 1: Meeting the morning

Post by kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:03 pm

Cold breeze was spinning through my messy hair. Even though it was quite warm spring night, or should I say morning, because sky was slowly getting brighter, my skin had goose bumps. I couldn’t sleep, because all kind of thoughts were spinning in my head and not letting me to calm down. I don’t know why everything seemed so dark and cold to me now. Am I really that kind of emo person, who makes troubles from nothing? I don’t know. It’s just that air is too hard to breath for me. Sometimes I can feel warm from other passing by strangers, who are smiling and enjoying their routines. It makes me happy to know that world can be different, happy and bright, without any hardships that could stop you. But I get this feeling for no longer than a few seconds, because those people come and go, and soon I can see their backs slowly fading from my sight. I always knew they would never stay. Happy people pass sorrow...
I looked to my cell phone which background showed me 5 am. I guess I should head to work already. I took my bag and jumped from a small cliff, which was surrounding the shore. This is one of my favorite’s places here, in Seoul. The Han river.
To this city I was absolute stranger. But when I think about it, maybe I was like that to every place where I stayed. It may be that I hoped it would be different here, that the change of environment could change something in me also. But isn’t that a self lie. It actually doesn’t matter where you live. If you want something very badly and you fight for it, I’m sure that in time every goal is possible to reach. But I guess I wasn’t that kind of person who could fight for a place under the sun. I knew that I had will to work, to try and not to give up soon. But it’s just that there were no reasons, no motivation. What for?-would be my first thought after going thro’ all that “make your life good” plans. I wouldn’t have even moved here, if it’s not for my brother I guess.
After graduation, i was wondering what university to choose. My grades were good, since all my free time was studying at home and working. Actually I wasn’t interested in learning again and spending the rest of my life doing what I wasn’t interested in, but I wanted to leave my parents house and start living independent. And then one day when I was surfing the net, I saw Korea’s embassy scholarship for two students to live and study in Seoul for very cheap and ridiculous price. I decided that I should give a try. Being a tourist- student is better than sucking books here in my hometown, and of course, this would mean living on my own on the other side of the world.
I knew that I could win concurs, and I did. But my mother and stepfather didn’t want to let me go. And then my charming brother came and persuaded them, that I’m not a child, that I need more air and freedom, I’m not sure that they believed in all that. I guess they let me just because they thought that there’s still my brother who maybe won’t be so screwed up as me.
So here I was in this huge and unfamiliar city. At first I couldn’t speak Korean at all, but then I found a part time job in café, where I was washing dishes, so being around people and having random talk made me to understand a bit. Because of this work I could keep some money, and not ask my parents to send me them, which made me feel good, because now they won’t be able to tell me that I’m only a burden. Despite the fact, that I felt lonely here without my bro it still was fun, since there were so many new things for me.

When I arrived to my work I said hi to staff, took my apron and headed to the sink, which was fool of dishes from previous night. While listening to my mp3 work past quickly, I didn’t even felt that it was already lunch time when my colleague, also a girl from university, punched me.
-Hey, aren’t you starving? How can you work like machine,-she looked at the huge pill of clean plates and than at me, i guess my face was expressionless as always, because she added
-Aish, you really are something, come on until these chips of yours didn’t explode.
I followed her to kitchen and we ate some leftovers since, you know, student aren’t that rich. She was talking nonstop all the time until suddenly her phone rang. She picked it up quickly and turned away. I wasn’t interested in her conversations anyway, so I tried not to listen and begin to wonder through my mind as always, but as quickly she turned her phone off and threw herself on me.
-Please help me,-she looked at me with her puppy eyes,-my boyfriend had a car accident, I must go to hospital,-she said shaking.
-Well, what I have to do with it, as for me, you can go right now if you want to,-I said and took her hands off me. I really don’t know how to deal with people, not to mention how to calm them down.
-I can’t leave work, boss already was angry at me yesterday that I was late, so he won’t let me go…But if you could take my place, I’m sure he wouldn’t notice.
-But I never worked as waiter.
-Don’t worry you just have to be polite and take food to them. If you can handle the dishes I’m sure there’s nothing impossible for you,-she tried to smile with her teary eyes.
-Well okay, but come back soon, I suck at being with other people,-I shrugged.
-Oh, thank you, you’re my hero!- she squealed and ran away.
Well yeah, did I already mention that I can make problems from nothing?
I dressed in uniform, went to the main hall and begun to take orders from tables.
It wasn’t really that hard, because people were kind of not noticing my mistakes, since I was a foreigner and my appearance of course was standing out. They asked me various questions like where I’m from, are there all people like that, what we normally eat and so on, as if I’m from other planet. But in a way I liked it. I liked their surprised faces when I would answer Korean, or say something abnormal like that we are eating food without chopsticks. I even started smiling, because I received many “hwaiting!” and tips of course.
I didn’t noticed new customers coming because of the questions that I tried to answer to other clients, but then I heard strange gossiping. I didn’t understood if it was because of me or not, but apparently no, since I had no attention on me anymore, even the previous guy that tried to flirt with me broke of in the middle of sentence. I decided to never mind all of it as this is the best way to approach something that you have no clue about.
I headed to new customers.
-Ahn Neyong Ha Seyo,- i bowed, -would you like to order already? Today we have special soup and if you buy a steak we add coke for free,-I smiled and wondered if I said everything correctly.
-Well then I have no choice. I will take a steak. No, two steaks, will I get two cokes then?
A young man putted down his menu, which at first was covering his face, and looked at me. I knew that I had to answer, but my jaw was somewhere on the ground, I felt like in a commercial, where super extra hot model make you fell in love with everything that they are trying to sell not to mention about them themselves. Yes, he was hot. Probably the hottest guy I ever faced or would face in my upcoming life.
-Yes, you will get two cokes then if you wish ,is that all then mister?-I asked, and felt so stupid, I never was interested in guys, because relationship would make even more harder to live, so I never looked to males as possible boyfriends. And right now I found myself daydreaming, and about a guy. What’s up with me? Really, get a hold on yourself women.
-For now I guess it will be enough for me,-he laughed, and I thought that crystal bells are ringing, -but my friend will come soon, so I wonder what should I order for him?-he looked at me again. This time I won’t loose to this charm that takes your breath away, makes you tremble and forget what you want to say.
-Well it depends on what your friend likes and what his age is...we have awesome spaghetti and delicious kid set –pancakes with strawberries…
-Oh, it will be fine!-he interrupted me.
-So pancakes for a kid,-I wrote down.
-Yeah,-he smiled again.
-Ok, enjoy yourself I won’t take too long,-I smiled back this time.
I headed back to kitchen and realized that this time every one was staring with jealousy at me.
-What?-I asked to other waiter,-am I an alien?
-Aish, don’t you know who is he?!
-Erm, should i?
-Gosh, girl, he’s top idol from the hottest group ever, don’t you really recognize him! It’s Choikang Changmin from DBSK!
-From what?-I asked again.
-Aish,-she hit her forehead and went back to her customers.

kinra
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Chapter 2: Accident

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:04 pm

I putted the food on the table.
-Have a good meal!-I smiled,-ask me if you need anything else.
- Thank you!-said the voice. I could feel that it was different, but still very beautiful, it sounded like a soft melody. So I suddenly turned back amazed.
- Oh, Changmin will be back soon, he went to toilet…I’m a friend he was waiting for,-he added since I still stared at him.
-Oh, okay,-I bowed and went away a bit disappointed in myself. Why do I fell for every guy now, huh? Besides I’m working here, not looking for anything else, I reminded myself.
The sky was getting dark, it’s probably already 5 pm, I was wondering where the girl that I was saving because of her injured boyfriend was. I missed lessons because of it and there’s no doubt that it won’t do any good, but well whatever, it won’t hurt for one time.
I brought the bill to those hot guys and all the attention was still on them, maybe they really are those famous guys form band, what is it called again?
-Thank you, you speak Korean very well, we were wondering how come?-Changmin asked me.
-You mean that YOU were wondering,-other guy said and laughed cutely like dolphin.
Please stop or I’ll be drop dead, I was thinking.
-Well I’m a student here already for more then a month, it’s not so hard to learn when you hear and see new language everywhere, of course there’s a lot of things I don’t understand yet and it’s still easy to fool me ,-I laughed, but it didn’t seemed so awkward as it was at first.
- Than we should try that,- he smirked at me. I blushed with no excusable reason and he chuckled.
Then suddenly I felt someone grabbing my arm from the back and in the next second all I knew that my lost colleague was beside me changing her uniform and thanking me. Maybe it would be more polite if I had asked her about her injured boyfriend, but actually I was mad that she dragged me away from those two angels. So I just said bye, took my bag and went out. I still had a lot of homework since I skipped lessons today so I hurried to my dorm.
When I was already by my place I saw a music shop across the street and then I had an idea.
After work I couldn’t stop thinking about those two guys, they really weren’t ordinary, it seemed like their charisma could be felt in the air, and since their voices were so beautiful I decided to look for their CD .That’s why I entered the shop. It didn’t took me too long to find their album since it had its own section, so they’re that popular…I took the album “secret code” and those two guys were on the cover. Somehow without make up they looked better, but with or without it, they still were hot. Of course I noticed that there were three more of them and they also were good looking. After I bought the album, I pulled the door, but it wasn’t opening, then I pulled harder, but still they were not opening. Then I finally noticed the small sign ‘push’.
Aish chincha, can I get even more stupid today?
I guess I used too much force when I was pushing the door, because right after the door flew open the bum sound came out. Did I hit something?
Suddenly I gasped, because right in front of me I saw Changmin lying on the ground.

Kinra
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Chapter 3: Concenquences

Post by kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:05 pm

Now what ?
-I’m sorry! Are you alright? Hey, say something,-I patted on his cheek, I was worried to death .
Finally he opened his eyes.
-Are you okay?-I asked again.
He nodded at me still not understanding what is happening.
-Should I call an ambulance?
-I’m okay, I just need some ice,-he said.
-Oh, well, I have it in the fridge…can you walk?
-I guess,-he tried to stand up, but he couldn’t keep the balance and grabbed my shoulders,- I’m still dizzy,-he said leaning on to my shoulders.
-It’s okay, just hang on; my apartment is across the street.
It was a bit hard to reach third floor, but thanks God I didn’t lived on top of the building…
I opened the door, this time I did it right, and helped Changmin to lay on the sofa, then I took first aid kit and ice.
After I wrapped the ice in a towel and softly putted it on his head, he gasped silently.
-It’s cold, but you’ll feel better soon. I’m sorry that I almost killed you like this…Does it hurt anywhere else?
-My knee…
I tried to lift his jeans, but they were so tight that it didn’t move higher his shin.
-Ah, be gentler, it hurts!
-I’m sorry, but your jeans are too tight, I can’t see your knee.
-Then take them off,-he said like it was nothing.
-What?!
-Take them off. If you hurt a person you have to take care of him, are you running away from your responsibility?
-But…
-So you are then…Aish, it hurts…
-Okay, okay, just wait a bit.
And now what? I stared at him blankly. How can I take off his pants?
-So are you doing it or not?-he asked again,-You know, I may die while you’re acting shy here.
Uh, I can do this; I am already eighteen, right? And it’s not like I’ll see him naked…I took I deep breath, leaned closer to him and unzipped his pants.
First step-done!
-Can you lift your but a bit?
Did I really say that?
He did as I asked so I started to pull his pants down; I didn’t look at him at all, since I could already feel my cheeks were burning. When his pants were off I focused on his knee, which really didn’t look good. It was bleeding.
I washed the wound, putted some medicine and then bandages.
-Are you done?-he asked, I lifted my eyes and wanted to says yes. But then I turned tomato red again as I saw his black underwear. As fast as I could I hid my face under the pillows.
-What? How old are you?-he laughed,-Haven’t you seen a man before?
I didn’t answer. Of course I never saw a half dressed stranger lying on my sofa!
-Hey are you okay?-he asked again.
-Shouldn’t I be asking that?-I spotted. -Haven’t you heard anything about shame?
I finally faced him and he was already zipping his pants.
-Is there anything to be ashamed of, huh? Of course you may feel a bit this way since you almost killed me but what does it has to do with me?
-Are you serious?
-No,-he laughed again,-so what’s your name little killer?
-Anyo...I’m not a killer , moreover I’m not small anymore,-I showed my tongue out,-and my name is Alexandra, but you may call me Alex, Changmin,-I stretched my hand towards him and smiled.
Ah chincha, why I’m so nice again?
-Well it’s nice to meet you Alex, even in these obstacles,-he smiled with gorgeous million dollar smile,-But weren’t you you that waiter from café?
-Well yes…
-So why did you disappeared so suddenly then?
-I just had to take my friends place for a while since she had some troubles. Do you want something like to drink or eat?
-Do you have bear?
-Anyo, I don’t drink alcohol…
-Just as I thought, you don’t look like that…
-Like what?
-Like a bad girl,-he smirked again,-Club should be already open, we should go there then.
-But weren’t you just injured?!
-Duh, I can not be injured for all of my life. There are more important things to do!
-Like what?
-Umm, like ask a girl out, for example.
-So you’re asking me out?
-didn’t I already say that?
-What if I don’t want to.
-I know you do.
-No I don’t. I was working all day, I’m tired to death and I have classes tomorrow.
-Is your life really that dull?
-What?
-Come on lets go, - he grabbed my hand, and soon we were walking on the street illuminated by lanterns.
I couldn’t help but wonder how strange this day is. I inhaled deeply and looked at my companion walking on my right. Somehow I felt comfortable with him, maybe after seeing him few times per day I’m already used to his beautiful features? I tried not to care too much and concentrated on the dark pavement.
-Is something wrong ?-he asked me.
-Nothing unusual.
-So you mean meeting a celebrity and almost killing him is random for you?-he chuckled.
-It’s not what I mean…Of course it’s strange that I’m walking right next to you… I have no idea why this day is like this, why I met you. But honestly I don’t really care, because I will wake up next morning alone like every morning, I will go to university like every, well almost every, morning and then simply drown my thoughts of this day, ‘cause there will be nothing that I’ll want to remember…
-I followed you,-he suddenly replied.
I looked puzzled at him.
-Do you remember my friend from the cafe? It was Junsu. We had a bet, that I’ll be able to get your number, because you looked so…like distant, you know what I mean? Like we can not reach you and you’re not approachable. But I was interested, I admit it. So he said get her number and I’ll treat you dinner. So I thought this should be fun, but then you disappeared in thin air. I went outside to look for you and after few moments I saw you wondering by the record shop.
I was completely turned aback.
-So I should give you my cell number or what?-I asked confused.
-I didn’t thought about proceeding so fast…but yeah, it would be awesome,-he smiled again.
-Pff, you wish, I don’t even know you.
-You may get to know me, if you’ll be good,-he smiled again brilliantly.
But then my attention turned to the building in front of me “Cassiopeia” club.
-We are here.
He showed me the way in.
We went down red corridor and reached the main hall with dance floor and bar on the right. The lights were dazzling me, since my eyes weren’t adjusted yet.
-I guess it’s too noisy,- we headed to the v.i.p. room.
Then in the corner on the small black sofa I saw a girl pressing her lips to a guy, whose one hand was rubbing her tight and other was massaging her chest…
-Hey, find a room,-Changmin laughed,-you’re getting so impatient day by day Yoochun.
The guy named Yoochun faced us and recognized those black hair, full lips and light skin from the cover. It’s Dong Bang Shin Ki guy again.
-Actually, we already were in a room, but some jerk ruined everything!-Yoochun shouted back.
Then he noticed me.
-And what’s this baby of yours?
-I’m not baby! And certainly not his!
He didn’t expect me to open my mouth and let Korean words not to mention to understand what he said.
-Well, well, well…Someone has character, huh? But I guess it suits you Changmin,-Yoochun laughed and I couldn’t believe…how come all of them can laugh like this? I mean do they have stereo or something?
-Calm down, Micky, this is Alex, and I warn you, touch her and you won’t have a chance to knock girls ever again,-This time Changmin sounded serious and I couldn’t not notice the change in his voice.
-Don’t worry bro, I already have something very delicious to try,-he leaned to the girl who was still right behind him and licked her neck down to her chest.
Changmin didn’t look back; it seemed that these kinds of situations are quite random.
He took me further away from them to the small bar and gave me bear from the refrigerator.
-I don’t drink.
-Pfff it’s just bear…come on, I can’t drink alone,-he gave the bottle to me.
Well, it’s just one bottle; nothing can happen from one gulp, right?
Changmin was talking about something but I really couldn’t hear much, it’s not because of loud music, more because of the gasps that time to time came from the girl’s mouth. Yes, the sofa wasn’t abandoned yet…
I didn’t want to stare, because it seemed impolite and quite gross at first. But then the girl unbuttoned Yoochun’s shirt and I could see his masculine figure. She was kissing his neck and slowly coming down to his chest and belly… Ant the next thing I saw that she was unzipping his pants and sliding her hands in to his underwear. He was smiling. I couldn’t say that he was very thrilled but I’m sure he liked girl’s actions. Especially when her head pressed to his member…
He was stroking her hair, so she started to suck harder.
-Do you want to dance?-Changmin shouted right next in to my ear,-really do you heard a word that I said?
-Uh, sorry…lets go,-I replied and he chuckled at my sudden lost. Of course he noticed me staring at that playboy, but I still hoped that my eyes kept loyal to me and didn’t give away the lust and temptation I felt at that moment.

kinra
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Chapter 4: Fading lights

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:07 pm

We broke through the crowd to the middle of the dance floor. And this was when I started panicking.
I can’t dance. Why the hell I agreed to go with him?! I never danced at school events nor did I enjoy going to the discos or clubs. I simply thought that’s a waste of time, to shake your body parts to the music which usually had no rhythm. Or was it me who couldn’t felt it?
-Are you wondering again? What are you thinking about?-Changmin broke me from my desperate thoughts.
-Nothing.
-I know you are, your eyebrows are wrinkling up,-he chuckled.
-I don’t dance.
-Of course you do,-just move to the music…Don’t you feel it?
-Feel what?
-Music,-he laughed,-hey, just give me your arms, I’ll lead you…
He took my hands and layed them on his neck.
-Hey, don’t run away,-he pulled me closer to himself when I begun to draw back,-I don’t bite.
I tried to calm down and not to step on his foot.
My gaze concentrated on other dancing couples. I tried to memorize their moves and to do it myself since I was just moving from left to right and it felt embarrassing.
-Don’t worry you’re doing well,-Changmin smiled. I felt his hands sliding few inches down my waist. I thought he was heading to my butt, but then he just swung my hips gently,-Calm down. Close your eyes,-he whispered.
Now when I couldn’t see other people and distinct lights my senses were relying on my hearing.
I have to admit that the music was quite nice; it was a light and sexy melody for slow couple dancing.
I was about two inches away from Changmin’s neck and I could feel his scent. It wasn’t perfume, more like his fresh skin, soap and something that I couldn’t describe yet. It gave me a cozy feeling and I inhaled his scent again.
-Are you sniffing me?-he said with seducing voice.
I opened my eyes and looked in his. They were deep brown. And I felt like on the edge, like I could fall in to them, because they were so deep…
I don’t know how long this moment lasted, but I felt my knees weak and my body sank to darkness.

Kinra
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Chapter 5 : Dirty sheets

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:08 pm

Ray of light teared off my sweet sleep. The sheets were so soft that I didn’t want to wake up for school.
Wait.
I don’t have these silky sheets which cost more then my apartment.
Where. Am. I ?!
I jumped from the huge white bed.
The room was almost empty, it had big french windows and the bright walls gave a fresh feeling.
But this totally wasn’t reminding me of my bedroom.
Then I jumped again because suddenly the doors flew open.
-Oh, the sleeping beauty already woke up; -Changmin came in holding a tray with food. He putted it on the toilet table and faced me.
-Where am I?
-In my bedroom of course! Did you thought that I would leave you lie on the ground?-he laughed again.
-On the ground?
Now nothing made sense.
-Sure! You don’t remember?
You fainted. Do you eat well? Because you don’t look like you would, so I made breakfast…and that’s why you could be nice and say: ’Good morning oppa, how was your sleep, thank you for taking care of me!’.
Now say aaahhh.
He took a spoon and fed me with chicken soup.
-Did you make it yourself?
-Aniyo, it would be good if I could, hyung made it for lunch.
-Lunch?! What time is it?
-Calm down you’ll spill it! It’s…it is a quarter past twelve,-he said after looking at his expensive watch.
-I have lessons today, I have to go,-I was already going out from the bed, but then he pulled me down.
-No you don’t, it’s Saturday. Please stay with me.
This seemed strange…
-Why? Why do you want me to be here?
-Actually…I don’t know, you’re clumsy and your looks are a bit strange and you act weird too, but somehow, I feel protective about you. It seems that if I’ll let you wonder alone you’ll end up hurting yourself again.
-What do you mean? I don’t hurt my self.
-Of course you do. You abandon your body and hide in that small and fragile world of yours…but you shouldn’t, it may be dangerous. You should live to the fullest, laugh and have fun with friends.
-I don’t have them.
-It’s because you don’t want to. But I’m not going to be like others and listen to you. So say ahhhh,-he shoved the spoon into my mouth and I was at loss of words.
He just remained smiling warmly.
I don’t know why, but the tears started falling down my cheeks.
Was it because no one ever treated me like this, no one ever spoke to me like this and no one never said the truth that looked so clearly to me right now?
I saw confusion in his eyes, but he was better in relationships than me of course, so he hugged me gently and stroked my hair.
But then again I made a mistake. The same like yesterday. I looked at his deep eyes and couldn’t resist anymore to the urge to kiss him.
I brushed my lips to his and since he wasn’t backing off, I pressed mine to his and we fell in to the kiss.
He parted my lips and I felt his tongue in my mouth. The kiss got deeper, wetter and more passionate. We both gasped at the same time. Before parting away for air I sucked his lip and I knew that it turned him on completely.
He threw himself on top of me and started to rip away my shirt with one hand and with other he held my hands that I couldn’t move an inch. I liked his force and his gentle touches at the same time.
-Uh,-I moaned and he started to suck my neck. I knew there will be marks, but who cares.
As he threw my shirt on the ground, my black bra was exposed; it didn’t take him too long to undo it too.
My nipples were already hard and he started to suck them and massage with his right hand while his left was already unzipping my jeans. I felt his arm sliding to my panties.
-You are already wet…-Changmin chuckled but not like always, this time it was more tempting and seducing voice.
He gave me a crush of kisses down my chest to the belly, and he didn’t stop…
-Let me taste you...-he whispered again.
-Changmin-ah…
I couldn’t let out more clearly words since his lips pressed to my bottom ones.
As my hands were already free I gently pressed his head more in to me, since I wanted him to go more deeply.
But then all of a sudden he retrieved and gave me a kiss; I could taste myself from his lips.
-I’m sorry, I think we shouldn’t go on…for now,-he smirked.
I was still breathing hard.
-Okay, you…are right.
He dressed me and gave a peck on my cheek again.
-You really are a good girl…-I saw his eyes smiling, - finally you’re beginning to have fun.

Kinra
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Chapter 6 : Pangs of love

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:08 pm

The sky was painted purple, just blue strikes and clouds were interrupting the calm up in heaving. I guess I had the same lovey dovey feeling too.
Every time I walked through the alley to Han River I was portraying his face in my mind.
At first I couldn’t realize why I had such sudden crush on Changmin, but when I think about it now it seems pretty obvious. His constant smile made me feel happy and at peace. He was sharing his happiness with me, giving away his part to me. And at this point I felt quite hopeless, because there was nothing that I could offer to him. Lets face it, he’s sweet, hot guy that every girl would like to have by her side, and I am just a plain ghost without its place in the world. I had no money, no fame, just my miserable mind and boyish figure on what my mother and stepfather always made nasty comments.
I was wondering what I should do to keep him by my side. Should I start using make up and try to walk in high heels? Learn to cook kimchi and act more cute and girlish? Well I was the worst cook ever and without sneakers there were no more shoes for me, not to mention that the only thing I was putting on my face was vaseline and cream.
Yeah, it looks like a total disaster.
Anyway, I guess I should try to forget this nonsense and finally begin to study. We weren’t meant to be anyway, and this is not a beauty and the beast fairytale either. Moreover, since when I started dreaming about a guys? Geez, is it because of spring?
My cell phone beeped and in my heart I silently hoped that this text will be from Changmin.
“I am waiting for your heart to find me….
.
.
.
.
Kidding xD look through your window “- I read Changmin’s message.
I leaned over my window as fast as I could and there he was, showing his bright smile and waving to me. I felt my heart beating faster and this was embarrassing, wasn’t I just disappointed at my self because of my sudden loss of inaccessibility?
Despite that, i sliped into my shoes as fast as i could and ran down the stairs to him.
He was already holding passenger door for me.
-Get in,-he closed the door and started driving.
-Are you kidnaping me?
-Sure, didn‘t you dream about it up there?
-How could i even think about such a jerk like you,-i said.Ah, wasn‘t it too harsh?
-Did you miss me so much that you are pretending to be mad princes right now?-he chuckled.
-Aniyo it would be a waste of time to think about you,-and in some way it was true because all this past week I wasn’t doing nothing more then squandering my free time with thoughts about him.
-I missed you. Every morning I wanted to see your sleepy face right next to me like the first day I met you,-he said. I don’t know was it his player skills or what but I wasn’t breathing. Did he really truly mean it?
Because of his busy schedules we couldn’t meet but he called me every morning at 7 to wake me up, since he had to wake up a lot earlier. But I wasn’t sleeping anyway. Despite the thrill and happiness he gave me, my insomnia was still the same as always. And yes, I forget to mention, he did win the bet. I gave him my number after that weird morning when I found myself lying on his sheets.
-Well thank you, - I replied to him, because I knew I couldn’t let him talk with himself.
-Can you believe that this is only the second time I’m meeting you? Because I can’t. It seems like I know you since I was born.
I didn’t realize this too, until he said it loudly. Only a second meeting and I already was falling for him?!
-Does it really matters? You’ll have to meet me at least a dozen times anyway,-I heard myself.
-I guess, I guess…
-What you don’t want to?
-No. But don’t you think that dozen is such a small number, couldn’t you pick a hundred billions or something?
And we both laughed while we drove through illuminated streets of Seoul.

Kinra
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Chapter 7 : Moment

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 2:09 pm

We parked near his flat and I stepped from the car while he was holding the door for me.
-I’m sorry I can not take you to some nice place. The stalker would post our photos the next morning…-he seemed said and guilty. I knew that being a celebrity may be a burden too since he said it himself when he was complaining that he can not go to shop and buy ramen for dinner.
-Don’t worry, I don’t like crowded places anyway,-and I really didn’t care where we are as long he’s with me.
We entered his spacious and luxurious apartment. I left my shoes and followed him to the kitchen.
-Are you hungry? Anyway you’ll eat since I’m not able to see you when you stand sideways. What do you like most? I’ll cook for you.
-Well…uh…
-I see… you never saw food, right? Then look, this is bread,-he took bread in his hands, - and here we have rice, and this long thing is called cucumber. You may have some associations but it tastes good. And this red thing is meat, meat is usually red.
-Yeah, and do you know what this is?-I took a fork and pointed at him,-It’s a tool to poke devilish people like you!-we both laughed.
-I don’t really know Korean cuisine yet, and I can’t cook, and I don’t know what you like that we could eat it together, - I bit my lip, after I spilled all my worries.
-Oh, it’s not a problem, I like everything!-he laughed
-Then should we make a pie?-I said excitedly.
- Sweets suit well with sweet girls, so lets do it!
My cheeks were blushing since he was saying those nice things to me. I hid them with my hands and looked down. Ah, I hate when I turn red!
-Aww you’re so cute,-he squealed. Then he took my both hands away from my face and kissed my lips,-Mmmm, I wanted to this for so long.
I kissed him back and the kiss got deeper. He tasted good and I could feel his tender scent again.
He slowly let go of my lips like he didn’t want to rush everything too much.
-I guess it should be done with this white thing, right?-he took the flour into his hands.
-Yeah, you’re right my smarty!
With a corner of my eye I saw a smile appearing on his face.
After 20 minutes we made a paste and putted in into the oven. Somehow this seemed so natural; to cook with him, o be together and have fun…
-We should make a cream. Do you have lemons?
-Yeah, but aren’t they sour? How we can put them in the cream?
-Oh, trust me, it will be delicious,-I peeled a lemon he gave me and putted a small piece into his mouth. His forehead had wrinkles.
-You are so sensitive! I can eat it without any wrinkles,-I shoved my tongue out.
-Chincha? Show me,-he gave me a bit and watched me closely. But I was a pro and ate it smiling.
-Whoa!!! How can you do this?-he clapped his hands like a kid.
-I like such staff.
-So do you drink acid instead of coffee?
-Yeah, every morning,-I replied,-here, try this,-I fed him with the cream I was making.
-Mmmm, it’s good, but you taste better.
I blushed again.
He took a bit of cream with his finger and sucked it. And I couldn’t help, but watch this tempting view.
-Do you want to try it?-he asked and took a bit of cream with finger again. I let his finger come into my mouth and sucked the cream away. He was staring at me.
-What?
-Nothing.
-Say it,-I punched him.
-You should suck my fingers more often.
I burst out of laughter again.
Then finally we took our pie from the oven and placed the whole cream on it.
-How we’ll call it?
-Call what?-I asked.
-Our pie!
-Does he need a name?-I laughed.
-Sure! It’s like…our first kid.
-So are you looking forward to our other upcoming kids?-I joked.
-I would like to have two at least. The girl should look like you and boy like me.
-I think it should be otherwise, the boy should look like me and girl like you,-I laughed, but he was talking serious this time.
-Come on, do you have a name?
-Lets call it Junior.
-Why Junior?
-Well isn’t it our first child? Besides if he would have a name of yours I would mix up between the two of you so we still would have to call him junior.
-You thought about it well, okay, dear Junior, let’s enjoy our meal then!
He took the pie and went to the living room.
We were having fun and laughed a lot all the evening. I knew that this will end soon because the sky was already black.
-Do you have many events this week?-I asked him.
-The same as always…but you could come to my hotel behind the SM entertainment building. We are there already at about 9pm. But this is too late for a student, so I guess you should sleep.
-No! I’ll come!
-Chincha? Then let’s do a promise,-he took my small finger with his then pressed his thumb to mine,-now touch my palm,-and we did.
-So this is a promise?
-Yeah! Isn’t it cool?
I already wanted to let out ‘pfff’ but he pressed his lips to mine.
-This is for confirmation,-he chuckled.
We started kissing as he gently pushed me to the ground.
I could feel his every touch on my body. His sweet kisses lying down on my neck one by one.
I never had touched I guy before, but right now, I wanted to feel him, and I wanted to please him…
I started exploring his chest giving him small pecks.
Do I have to add that he had muscles and was handsome as hell?
His heart was beating fast. I pressed my ear to his chest because I wanted to memorize this beautiful sound…
-I can hear you, - I whispered,-You’re beautiful.
He didn’t say anything, but I could feel his eyes on me. He touched my hair and then lifted my chin.
-It’s you who makes me like this, who makes my heart race…
He licked my bottom lip and I let his tongue into my mouth.
Strong hands grabbed my butt and lifted me up. I was sitting on him now and my t-shirt soon was on the ground. His tongue started circling my nipples and I moaned silently.
I stroked his back and undressed him while he was giving me pleasure on my front.
Maybe I was mistaken to not have a guy earlier, because at least in some way, they could make you feel good. I guess it’s a perfect description of the way he was making me feel.
His fingers were sliding down my belly and I knew where he was heading to…
I trembled because of his touch, but he didn’t stop.
A pair of dark deep eyes looked right into me. And I wanted him, I wanted him so badly.
He didn’t look away and rubbed his fingers on my sensitive spot. I could feel Goosebumps on my skin and the thrill was over coming all my body. Suddenly he slided in his finger into me.
I moaned louder this time and he was still watching me closely.
Then I felt the second finger coming in deeper. And he came harder on me.
-Changmin-ah,-I gasped.
I didn’t know if I should give myself to him completely and follow the pleasure. It would be my first time, and I was still virgin, so I didn’t wanted to give up this easily to the guy I’m meeting just for second time.
He was already moving my jeans and panties away with his free hand.
Now he saw me all.
It wasn’t embarrassing, even if the torch was enlightening my body a little bit, moreover he was examining me by inch.
I unzipped his pants and moved them away as the first day I met him. Of course I was curious how he looked without underwear. But I was hesitating.
-You know you’re free to do whatever you want,-he whispered in to my ear.
I slided his underwear down and there he was, just like God had made him.
I kissed his belly, and his muscles strained. I knew he’ll like it and I wanted to make it up to him so I kissed lower and lower until I could feel his already hard member. He started to stroke my hair as a sign to continue. And I did. At first I licked the tip of him. But this wasn’t enough. I licked more and more until my mouth wrapped around his little friend.
Do not get me wrong little is just a saying, because believe me in reality the word little would be the last thing you could think of to describe it.
He started to moan as I sucked harder. I knew that he was already really exited and might come every minute. But I didn’t stop.
-Ah…Alex…I …I’m going to come,-he gasped again.
I never minded that, and actually, after few second I felt him in my mouth, I swallowed it with one gulp.
He was breathing hard while he looked at me. We lied on the bed and watched each other.
-Come,-he whispered.
I lied down on top of him with all my weight, but it didn’t bother him, he just hugged me tightly and pressed me even closer to himself. We were lying down like this, listening to each other heart beat. If I could be able to choose the last thing I want to hear, it certainly would be this warm heart, this soft rhythm that hypnotized my senses.
As his breathing was slowly calming down, I looked up and saw him dozing off.
-Goodnight, my sweet prince,-I whispered,-I’ll dream this moment. This wonderful moment… -my eyes closed and I finally could fell asleep calmly.

Kinra
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Chapter 8 : Pleasure

Post by Kinra on 7/4/2009, 3:16 pm

The heavenly morning came up sharing its brightness; my eyes opened and the first thing I saw right next to me were Changmin’s smile, his messy hair and closed eyes. He looked like an angel curled up in sheets…I kissed his forehead. I can not say if this was real or not, but every moment here with him caused me to feel butterflies spreading through my whole body. This feeling was so warm and I wasn’t feeling like a cold rock, a miserable shadow or whatever you want to call it. Even if he didn’t said it, I felt needed and loved…And it gave me strength; after every his call or message I could run a marathon, work, study and do it with excite, not because I needed to pay for rent or get the degree.
Changmin why are you like this? Why you made me to fall for you?
Right now I can not imagine my mornings without you, cooking without you, living without you…

-Are you wondering somewhere again?-he opened his eyes and chuckled,-Good morning my sunshine,-and I received the sweetest kiss ever.
-Hi…how was your sleep?-I smiled.
-Have you ever been in heaven? The feeling is quite similar…something between dreaming and having delicious dinner.
- Well I don’t really get that, but I know the meaning of heaven, and it’s because of you,-I kissed him back.
We hugged each other and our naked bodies were so close again…
My fingers started playing with his hair.
-You do not say what you are thinking about constantly,-he said while kissing my shoulder.
-It’s about you. My every thought is about you, - I said honestly.
He looked at my eyes trying to figure out if it’s true or not.
-Why? Why do you feel so special about me? I’m not a good person that deserved you.
-It’s the other way. I’m the one who can not offer you nothing more than myself…and that’s not much, not enough for you, because you deserved more, you deserved to have the best person in this world, who can bring happiness to you, who can make a delicious meal and support you…And I don’t know how to do those things…I was surprised that you let me stay with you and I still am, but ever since that day I met you, I can feel peace and happiness. I am able to smile sincerely after hundreds of years; to sleep calmly and not wake up from nightmares…Every time I hear my cell phone beeping I hope it’s you. And now, when I look into your I eyes, I know it’s just a dream that will fade away soon, because it’s too good to be real. It’s just like a fairytale.
-Even if it is a fairytale it’s our story. And I’ll make you believe it, because the only person I need is you.
And it was enough for me. Enough to melt my heart. Enough to make butterflies spread their wings and fly all over my body.
We started kissing passionately. I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t care. I wanted to feel him, to be as close as possible…
Every inch of my skin: my fingers, hands, eyes, stomach, chest, legs were touched by his lips.
I pleaded for more because I knew I will never get enough of him.
Then he slided his fingers into my already wet place. And my body trembled of satisfaction.
After few moments he took out his fingers and licked them; I know he could taste me on them and this was turning us on even more.
He took my legs and landed on top of me. Then slowly his member came into me and I gasped while holding on to his shoulders. He dragged my legs closer and shove in his hard cock even more.
I didn’t wanted to scream and wake up neighbors, but screw them, I never felt better before.
And with my every moan he struggled harder until he was all in.
-Changmin,-I gasped,-Changmin-ah!
As I screamed his name he started to move harder and faster.
The bed was shaking when we both finally came out and moaned at the same time because of the pleasure.
Then I felt weak and I didn’t have strength to move, I guess he was the same since he fell on the bed and wrapped his arms around me.
We laid breathing hard and inhaling each others scent.
It seemed that everything stopped and earth wasn’t circling around, but after some time, which I guess was probably an hour, his kissed me and went to make breakfast.
As I was alone I couldn’t help but chuckle since I knew that my first time was with the person I love.

Kinra
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Chapter 9 : The truth

Post by Kinra on 7/5/2009, 7:15 am

Water drops were falling down on my skin and as all sweat washed away I could feel the freshness again. I saw my reflection in the mirror and my neck had blue spots. I touched them and it hurted a bit, but when I thought that they where caused by Changmin, my reflection was already smiling.
I dressed with my clothes, washed my face again and left the bathroom, which I decided to borrow while Changmin worked in the kitchen.
I walked into his room again, earlier I never had a chance to look around more closely, but right now, when I was alone I could notice more details.
Outside his window a small windmill was spinning and jingling its bells.
And right in front of me a photograph was hanging on the wall .Everyone was smiling and laughing. I could recognize still a bit childish Changmin, without such masculine and manly figure he looked so innocently blowing his birthday candles from the cake. Near him DBSK guys were standing and clapping with their hands. I guess other people, gazing with their loving eyes at them, were their family.
Somehow I wanted to imagine myself in the picture too. Saying happy birthday to him…
There were so many things we hadn’t done yet. We never did ride bicycles in the park, nor we eat ice cream at the beach… I never saw his friends and family and we still didn’t confess our feelings to each other…
I looked around again and decided to help him with breakfast, even if I wasn’t a big assistance, I still wanted to at least be with him.
But as I opened the door my moves froze instantly, because I could hear voices from the kitchen. I leaned closer to the door and listened. I knew this wasn’t impolite and wrong, but I was too curious, what if he was speaking about me?
-I said I’m busy; can we go some other time? - Changmin asked.
-With what you’re busy? Eating breakfast? You can’t cook anyway, we can go to restaurant. You promised you’ll come…
And I recognized this voice; it was the same as back then in café. It was Junsu.
-Are you hiding something from me?-he asked.
There was a pause and a deep sigh after.
-I have a girl in my room,-Changmin said.
-Woah!!! How come? Do I know her?
-Yes... Alex, the girl from café, who was a waiter… you remember?
-You’re kidding me! I can’t believe you really did this! Was she good? Chincha, Changmin, I thought you forgot those bet. But you knocked her, you really did! Then I guess I have to keep my word… a dinner at the best restaurant in Seoul, my treat, wasn’t that what you wanted?
-Yeah, actually she was… but look, Junsu about that dinner…
-You know you’ll have to show me now, how you hook girls that easily!-he laughed.

My knees were trembling as I was looking into Changmin’s eyes; he turned to me with open jaw and completely lost. I couldn’t believe this, this isn’t happening…
-So all this was just a bet to you?! Just a fucking bet to knock me?!-I shouted.
-Alex,listen... I …
-Shut up! Shut up! Tell me if its truth or not, you were betting with him? -I pointed at Junsu.
-I can explain…
- Did you had a bet with him and its purpose was to fuck me? Yes or No?!
-Yes…

And there it was. At this one word my whole world crushed on me. I couldn’t stand because I knew I would fall on the ground so I ran, I ran as fast as I could with my bare feet not knowing where they’ll lead me.
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Kinra

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Chapter 10 : Drowning the memories

Post by Kinra on 7/6/2009, 5:53 am

---------------------------------------
Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here
But you have chosen a different road

Why wasn't I able to convey to you?
My feelings that were growing everyday and night
The words begin to overflow
But I know they won't reach you now

From the first day that I met you
I felt like I knew you
And the two of us melded together so naturally

Wherever we would go, it would be together
It was so natural for you to be with me
We became adults together
But you chose a different road

Why did I end up falling for you?
No matter how much time has passed,
I thought that you would always be here (but not anymore)
----------------------------------------------------------------

The last Friday.
Is this is how I should describe this feeling? Like there’s no tomorrow. No hope left to the other day. And the most ironic part was that we met the same day as we parted. Friday.
I didn’t know how the days passed after. I was unconscious of time. I couldn’t say a word because I was afraid that the lump in my throat will leap and I’ll burst into tears again.
I knew from the beginning that it is wrong for me to fall for him, that we had no future and still I was lying to myself, hoping that everything will be okay. Now it’s time to pay the price.
All the weekend I simply lied curled up in bed, not moving, not eating, just staring at one spot.
Then there was Monday and I had to study and work, but I couldn’t. I knew that everything would remind me of him and I needed to forget to erase every memory, every smile of his, like the time we passed together didn’t exist. But this was too hard. I couldn’t keep this feeling, but I couldn’t throw it away either, because he was still precious to me.
After three or four days I jumped from my bed and started to clean my entire apartment as crazy. I realized I had to do something, because my body was already aching from lying in the same position for days. I had to live as nothing ever happened even if I had no clue why or what’s the purpose for keeping my hopeless existence. So the next day I went to work.
-Hi, Alex! Where were you all this time?-my colleague Maki asked.
-Oh, I had problems with my health…
-Eulgia already told us that, but I hoped you’ll come back faster, boss was a bit mad at first, but since it’s your health I guess everything’s okay,-she smiled at me.
I remembered the girl with injured boyfriend that I helped back then. This time you saved me, Eulgia, I would be already fired.
She came into staff room and I thanked her for covering me.
-But seriously, what happened to you?
-Nothing special…
-Is this because of some jerk?
-In some way.
-I broke up with mine too, you know they are all the same, running after every bitch with shorter skirt then yours…We are having a party with friends tonight, to recover our broken bodies and hearts, you should join, It’s fun to forget everything and loose control from time to time,-she said.
I admit I liked the last sentence, even if these kinds of things never suited me.
-Okay, you are right, I need to get away from this shit.
I didn’t attend classes today either because I decided to work longer and stay with Eulgia that we could go to the party together.
When the time came, we drove with her old car through the unfamiliar streets.
We stopped by a building which looked like garage or store, I wasn’t sure.
We went indoors and I started regretting for coming. The place was full of people I didn’t know they were dancing by loud r’n’b music and drinking.
Everyone was watching me and saying hi to Eulgia.
-Enjoy yourself, - she said while taking a bottle of vodka,-For booze, sex and fun,-she shouted the toast and drank till the last drop,-go on! What are you waiting for?
-If you say so…for freedom then,-I said and swallowed with one shot. My throat started burning and I felt warm flames in my stomach.
We drank and danced, and drank again until I couldn’t follow my moves, everything seemed so surreal: lights, music, dancing bodies…my head was dizzy and I don’t know how I reached the room and knocked off on the bed, but when I opened my eyes I saw a guy making out with two girls right beside me. I needed to get out, but my body couldn’t move and I just looked at them as they continued to fuck each other. One of the girls leaned to me and kissed me deeply, she started unbuttoning my dress and I needed all my strength to push her away and get up from the bed. I headed to bathroom because I needed to fresh up. After I washed my face I heard Eulgia shouting my name.
-Where were you?
-Right here,-I said breathlessly.
-Come,-she took me to the rooftop and the first thing I saw was smoke coming from big handmade cigarettes.
-Are they smoking weed?-I laughed because my voice seemed so strange.
-They have pretty much everything from light shit to deep shit,-she laughed too and we joined the circle.

Every evening started to become like this and every morning begun to bring headaches to me.
I didn’t cared thought. At first I hoped to forget everything, but actually I just wasn’t thinking. My mind already had a code what to do.
Morning: gaining money for rent and parties (even if I was a guest to my own apartment already)
Evening: spending the gained money for fun.
I’m sure it wasn’t fun at all, but killing my neurons and memory with alcohol was better than pitying myself and grieving for nothing that wasn’t worth it.
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Chapter 11 : The leaving

Post by Kinra on 7/6/2009, 5:54 am

Junsu side story

----------------------------------------------------

As Changmin answered yes, I felt that something wrong is going to happen. The girl ran away soon after that; she seemed hurt a lot, but, hell, what I should do, I thought this was just a plain sex, I didn’t know how Changmin felt about her, but she did have expectations about him.
-What the fuck Changmin?
He just stared at open door.
-You know you hurt her a lot.
-Just shut up! Shut up your motherfucking mouth that keeps spreading shit! You screwed up everything!-Changmin yelled at me.
-But that was truth, you agreed to it, so don’t fuck around with me now!-I screamed back. What the fuck he was thinking blaming me for the shit he came up by himself.
-Oh God…Fuck!-Changmin hit the wall his fist.
-What’s going on here? - Hyung came. I guess he was bored already to sit in the car alone.
-Changmin just broke up with a girl. End of the story lets go now. Manager is waiting,-I said to both of them. But Changmin didn’t pay any attention and was just holding his head in ‘oh my God what have I done’ pose. And this was already making me sick. How long he knew that waiter; a week?
-If you fucked up, you can leave everything like it is or go for her and solve everything. But this is not the right time anyway. We are going to Japan tomorrow. So stand up,-JaeJoong said calmly and left the room.
We drove to SM silently all the way. No one was saying anything and I was afraid that if I’ll say a word Changmin will rip me a part. Believe me, he looked…dangerous. Haven’t you seen on TV what hopeless people are up to?
I decided to forget my leaving party idea which I was offering at first to Changmin.
Usually I was the one who was left or hurt in relationship, so I couldn’t fully understand his feelings, since he was the one who’s at fault. He should feel guilty.
We could have almost every girl we wanted and believe me, while I was with hyungs, Changmin wasn’t playing with cards alone at home either. Of course he had many girls; he even had those player skills, like to say nice things at the right time or even cast a spell, that the girl would become addicted to him.
Anyway, it’s time for him to loose too.
After the meeting atmosphere still wasn’t good.
So I tried to joke around with Micky, because he was the only one I could fool around not wondering if it’s okay or not.
-Don’t worry Junsu we’ll have that party you want so badly after we come back, it’s not so long to wait,-he rubbed my cheek.
-Will you help me? - I was already exited imagining what I should prepare.
-Sure, - he smiled widely, - We could do it at ‘Cassiopeia’, then we wouldn’t have to clean everything. And I already know which girls we should invite.
-I don’t need them, they’re pissing me of Yoochun-ah, we always have to please them and do different kinds of things they want, but aren’t we the princes?
-It’s just you Junsu-ah who is so gentle and good, no one says to treat those whores well… What? Why are you staring at me like that?
-Oh, you are a bad boy, Micky, you are a bad boy,-and I pointed at him with my finger while laughing,-Ahhh,- I squealed , because he bit my finger.
-I’ll show you how to be a bad boy too, just wait for the party,-Micky smirked and left to take his luggage.
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Chapter 12 : Birds talk

Post by Kinra on 7/6/2009, 11:04 am

After a couple of days I received a letter from my university. If I would have to tell shortly what it said, one word would be enough. Expelled.
The past two weeks I almost didn’t attend classes at all. But still it was a big surprise for me.
‘What should I do now?’-these kinds of thoughts were in my mind. If I am not studying anymore there’s no point to stay here. I never really liked studying, I had no friends there, and teachers looked suspiciously at me. So deep in my heart I wasn’t sad. It’s just I didn’t want to be a looser, which can not do anything on her own. I knew, that my pride wouldn’t let me to go back home without achieving anything. So I decided to wait until my empty head will come up with some ideas.
I bended out an airplane from the letter with great news and threw it to trash bin. I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t born under the lucky star, or I should I say I wasn’t born under the star at all, the plain missed its destination and crashed on the ground.
Should I call it disaster?
Anyway I left it with no mercy because my sight concentrated on the open window, where a couple of white doves were looking at me.
-Do I look that crazy...? Don’t bother telling me, I know.
I took I slice of bread, which probably was the last eatable thing in my room, and crumbled it up.
-Here,-I stretched my palm to them,-why aren’t you pecking?-they mumbled in a language I don’t speak, so I just scattered bread-crumbs by a window and watched them eating.
-So how’s life up there? It should be better then here I guess. You can watch every fool’s life from high above and then know you wouldn’t do this or that. It would be enough for me. Just to fly around wondering and watching others. But it doesn’t sound fun to you, right?
Then someone’s knocks on my door interrupted my madman ravings and I headed to the door.
I didn’t enjoy guests, not to mention surprises. So I hoped to open the door and found nothing, but there was Eulgia standing with her messy hair and crazy smile.
-Hi! I just thought that since it’s already weekend we should do something. What? Aren’t you going to invite me in?
-Oh, yeah, come in…my fridge is empty, but other than that you can feel free as at home.
Windowsill was already empty and I was a bit disappointed, since at this time doves seemed a better company for me.
-Somehow you seem more lively than yesterday, what happened?-I asked her even I if I wasn’t really interested.
-Well you remember after that party I said I’ll go home alone…? But actually, there was this guy, who offered to drive me home.
-And did he drive you home safely?
-Well, actually, we kind of stayed in his car for the rest of the night,-she chuckled.
-But didn’t you just say that men are pigs and all that?-I asked even if I wasn’t surprised by her behavior.
-Mostly off them are, but he was really nice and asked me on a date tonight.
-Don’t tell me you’re going,-I said.
-Well I am, and I wanted to ask you to go together… his friend is staying at his place now, and… uh, the both of them are single, so he thought it’s better to take him together and he also asked me to bring a friend. And you’re single too, besides it’s better for you to divert yourself.
- I know what’s better for me and I’m not going. No way. How could you even think I could go somewhere with the jerk I don’t even know!
-You can get to know him, besides he’s really hot! Never in my life had I met such guy! He smiles perfectly and he says nice things and sure his great at fucking also, I bet he’s rich too, since his car was a new BMW.
-I don’t care really, Eulgia, it’s enough partying for me, I got expelled from university today, and I need to get a hold on my self already. Haven’t you heard about responsibility?
-Then will you feel more responsible being at home all the time?
-Yeah, yes I will, that’s exactly what I’m saying.
-Come on, Alex, you owe me; I already promised to bring a friend…
-So am I the only your friend?
She nodded and I felt sorry for her. She wasn’t smart and maybe she had nothing more than a feminine looks, so I couldn’t feel really connected to her, maybe I didn’t even thought she’s my friend. But now I saw other side of her, a lonely side, and it made me to pity her.
-I’ll go if you’ll promise this is the last time you drag me into this kind of nonsense.
-You have my word! –Her voice became brighter and she hugged me,-But you can not go with jeans and sneakers…They really seem high level so we should prepare, I brought you dress and high heels…here.
She gave me a small white cocktail dress and matched color high heels.
-But from where did you know I’ll agree to go?
-I didn’t but you’re too good to make other people sad, - she smiled.
-Okay, I’m going to get dressed then, - I said looking at high heels and hoping to stay alive after this evening.
-Sure, I’ll help you with make up!
Somehow I had a bad feeling about this. First crashing plane, than this date and high heels. Really, it doesn’t sound good at all. But to think of it, what does then?
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Chapter 13 : Waking up

Post by Kinra on 7/6/2009, 11:04 am

Shadows were sliding down the buildings and disappearing from time to time when cars were passing and illuminating them. The dark alley looked creepy and my skin had Goosebumps.
I was scolding myself in my mind for everything.
Maybe if I wouldn’t applied for that scholarship I wouldn’t have had to go through all these stupid things: to wash piles of dishes with my already plankton looking hands at café, to study the subject I never admired, to meet the man of my life and to get dumped by him…and now to feel lost, scared and not needed in this huge and lonely world.
I tried to think that the life at my hometown was better, because I needed to have shelter.
I doubt it was like that.
After my parents divorced, everything changed. My mother had no money and she worked a lot until she found older guy with more perspectives in life. I never saw my father again, and the last memory I have of him was at court. I pleaded him to take me with him no matter where he was going, but his car drove away and I was left crying on the street, watching him slowly disappearing from my life. I tried to live one week with grandmother, then with aunt and other relatives, because I wanted to avoid the stranger at my house, and the new life I could not get used to.
But no one really cared that we, my brother and me, were lost children with no place to truly call home. That’s why we were so close, because we had nothing more than each other to rely on. How could I forget our days passed together playing with just plain imagination, thinking we were pirates wondering through the oceans and hiding our gold; our days when we stole food from the markets and it under the bridge; and nights, when we watched the starry sky, whishing for our dreams to come true…
Yes, I had dreams, I wanted to sing. To sing for people and make them calm and happy as I was making my brother after singing him a lullaby before sleep.
Smile turned up on my face. I was missing him. I was missing the time when I felt free like back then. Somehow forgetting everything that’s important, giving in and lastly drinking made me hallow and I was mad at my self even more. How could I act like this? How I could be that selfish and forgot that there’s something more in life than living for you self, for money, fun or even love. But I screwed up even there. I never believed in love, and even if I would, love should be a nice and warm thing to remember. But I tried to erase it instead of remembering with nostalgia. Moreover, I could see more clearly now, that Changmin never actually left me. Yes, he had that bet, but he told me about it, he just lied the part about what they were about. And I didn’t even let him to explain.
I started to regret everything.
How could I be so wrong?
Then I took my cell phone, which seemed not used for years, and saw a few calls from my brother and mother, and twenty nine calls from Changmin…Maybe he really did care…

-Hey are you sleeping! We are already here!-Eulgia shouted into my ear.
-I need to go home,-I said,-I need to go.
-No way, they are already coming, look!
And I saw ‘Cassiopeia’ club before my eyes and two men walking towards us with self confident expression, with faces that I already knew…
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Chapter 14 : Foreign thoughts

Post by Kinra on 7/7/2009, 1:40 pm

Micky side story

I woke up at noon.
Japan welcomed us with squealing girls and I couldn’t get it yet; what’s with that screaming and crying? I tried to be nice and smile but my head was still dizzy because of the flight. I know I should be used to airplanes by now but it’s just that I preferred cars more. Maybe I was ungrateful, but this fame was tiring me as hell. It would be enough for me to just compose and know that people like and respect my music.
Not to mention the fact that everyone knew everything about me and was stalking my every move, I had to pretend a lot, and maybe that was the worst part of it. For example, if I feel sleepy, tired, in a bad mood or even sick, I still have to act as everyone wants me to.
Of course I shouldn’t complain, I was young rich and famous, but I wished something else, like more meaning in life…
I wondered what really makes your life purposeful; could it be working till late hours and seeing the fruits of your work blossoming, doing what you want and living to the fullest or fulfilling your dream? But haven’t I already done it at least in some way? I was working hard, having fun and making my dream come true on the stage. But still it doesn’t seemed real, like it would need some other element to make everything complete.
-Hyung, food is ready,-Junsu came in smiling.
-Give me five minutes, - I said and went to have a shower.
The water helped to wash my thoughts away, and that was good, because keeping them would make me flustered again.
The smell from the kitchen was good so that means that JaeJoong has placed his hands on our meal. It was long time since he cooked.
-Sit, Chunie, we made it together with Jae, it will be so delicious that you’ll feel grateful to us for the rest of your life!-Junsu said with his cute dolphin voice.
-Than maybe I shouldn’t eat it.
-But…but you have to chunie, I cried while chopping the onions for you,-he said with bitter eyes.
-I was kidding Junsu. Lets eat.
-Is something wrong today?-Junsu asked me.
-Don’t talk while eating. You may choke.
-I just finished,-he chuckled.
-You mean you just sit to the table? I should be the one asking what’s wrong with you then.
-Jae, don’t talk to Yoochun, he woke up with the wrong foot and will scold you as he scolded me,-Junsu said complaining while washing his plate.
-I’ll keep silent because you’re starting to piss me off and I’m not in the mood to listen to your squealing,-I said more to myself because no one was listening.
-So what where you saying, Jae?-he tried to ignore me.
-Nothing. I was eating and you kept talking to yourself.
So what now, dolphin boy, hyung is on my side?
-Someone should bring a girl to wash the dishes,-Junsu said again.
-But didn’t Changmin had a girlfriend?-I asked.
-He did. But he fucked up. But he still cares for her,-dolphin replied.
-Maybe we should talk to him, he’s the youngest …
-And the biggest Casanova too,-JaeJoong interrupted me.
But we went silent as Changmin came in. He took everything he found in the frying pan and suspiciously looked at us.
-What? Are you talking behind my back?
-No,-Junsu said quickly.
-As you say it I begin to believe in that even more.
-How are you feeling? About that girl I mean…-I asked cautiously.
-I feel…sorry. I really do. But it’s not your business.
-You know that we can help, if you need us,-I patted on his shoulder.
-Well I don’t! I don’t need anyone’s help! It’s useless anyway…-Changmin said holding his head as if his thoughts were too heavy for him to handle.
-You should go for her. If you really care about her, and you are able to prove it to her, she may forgive you,- I replied.
-I do hyung, but the more I think about it, the more my mind tells me to let her go. It was the first time I hurt her and it was because of the stupid thing that I forgot and even had no intentions to do…Just a stupid thing… but what will be, when photographs will start running after her and journalist will be coming up with every personal detail of her life, what will be if our fans or antis will try bulling her? There are so many things she’s too fragile for, and they don’t even contain me, who may hurt her the most, you know I’m a player and I’m not sure myself if I can be just with one woman…I’m so afraid hyungs, I’m afraid that it’s wrong for me to be with her, I’m afraid to hurt her, to leave her, to make wrong decision…
-It’s okay Changmin, just do what you need to and we’ll be by your side,-I said and hugged him.
I truly felt sorry for Changmin, because I wouldn’t know what to do either.
You may forget feelings in time and live safe and sound; I think this is what he thought about letting her go. She had to be special in some way if Changmin looked at her, so I’m sure she would overcome this in time. You know, things that come into media stay there for the rest of your life time and even when it’s finally forgotten someone still may dig up something and ruin your life.
I do understand his doubts.
Maybe if they wouldn’t have a chance to separate he wouldn’t have thought about it in this way…
Our kid is certainly growing up to a man. A year a go he would simply fuck around with girls just for fun, and now finally, I could sense maturity from him.
But even if I felt sorry for him, I was a bit jealous also, because he had deep feelings to a person, maybe he even felt love.
And then a thought popped up in my head. I know it may sound cheesy, but wasn’t love the thing I missed in my link?
But there again, this feeling has to be strong and come up from the depths of your heart, but the only strong feeling that usually led me through the day was irritation because of Junsu stupidity.
I can not just fall for someone and begin to carry a special feeling. I’m pretty sure I would be better at composing then, but nevertheless, I have no choice as to wait for it, right?
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Chapter 15 : Mad man

Post by Kinra on 7/9/2009, 11:32 am

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[Never follow your heart if you’re not able to hear it.
Never listen to your heart if you’re not able to follow it.
Never give an opportunity to your heart to love, if you’re not able to give all yourself to it.
Never dream, if you’re a person, who’s afraid to realize his dreams.
Never stop looking forward to the next day, because new morning will bring a new hope again.
Never be afraid of changes, because they’ll fill your every cell, and even it’s not a good feeling…
Never regret it, because it will make you a better man.
Never lie, if you know that’s just a fraud for this moment.
Never forget what’s important for you, if you have nothing more then just your beliefs.
Never stop cherishing what you have, because the next moment you may know that everything is gone.]

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JaeJoong side story

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It was a total mess. No one said anything but I could feel it in the air. Something was bothering every member; they became lost and reserved. Micky was not in this world, thinking about staff that won’t gave peace to him; Junsu was mad at Micky, I knew it’s just a matter of time when they’ll be joking again, but I could see something different in his expression. Yunho still wasn’t talking to me after that incident and Changmin…Changmin was completely out of this world. After every show he would just sit in his locked room and not come out until the next event. But this wasn’t the worst thing. The worst thing was me and my guilt towards him.
When Junsu came to Changmin’s apartment to call him, because we were leaving Seoul, I did have a feeling that this trip won’t bring anything good. I don’t know from where this flair came, but I decided to go up to and try to talk to both of them maybe we could go a day later or something.
And just when I stepped from the car I couldn’t believe in my eyes. A girl with bare feet and fluttering hair in the wind ran past me. Her scent made me to turn back and I noticed her teary eyes.
I know it may sound weird, but I wanted to follow her, to embrace her and protect from everything that made her look so hurt. But I couldn’t move an inch, I was paralyzed and I knew I needed to breathe, but I just watched her every movement in slow motion until she disappeared behind the corner.
I blinked and realized that I am already able to move again so I ran as fast as I could to Changmin’s apartment, but I was amazed again as I saw Changmin with blank face kneeling on the ground.
-What’s going on here? - I asked.
-Changmin just broke up with a girl. End of the story lets go now. Manager is waiting,-Junsu said.

Could it be her?
My mind was racing and I needed to get out of here.
-If you fucked up, you can leave everything like it is or go for her and solve everything. But this is not the right time anyway. We are going to Japan tomorrow. So stand up,-I said as calmly as I could. They followed me and it means that my acting worked.
No one was speaking in the car and it gave me some time to think. But actually there was no point. ‘It’s Changmins girl, don’t be a fool’-I said to myself. I have to erase that memory of hers. But what if they really broke up? Then maybe there’s nothing wrong? But how would I look if I would ask her number from Changmin? God, I’m crazy, maybe it wasn’t even her. Maybe it’s just some stranger I won’t meet aver again.
‘Yeah, calm down JaeJoong, you’ll have wrinkles; everything will be fine, just fine’-I thought.

***

The week was passing by and I couldn’t live a day without repeating her image, but in my mind she was running to me, into my arms, pressing her soft skin to mine, looking with her deep eyes into mine…
Then Junsu came in my room and offered me to make some food with him. Of course I agreed, I needed to do something because my mind would go mad, spending the rest of the day thinking about a person I don’t even know.
-Hey Junsu, have you saw that girl…I mean the one with Changmin, which broke off with him?
-Sure, I saw her couple times. But she didn’t break off with him. It’s more like Changmin did. You know we were eating together at some café, where we saw that pretty waiter, she was a foreigner, but she spoke Korean fluently, so she attracted our attention. At first I thought that she doesn’t know that we are famous, but then maybe she did, because she looked nervous and such. Anyway we thought she will ask us a signature or something, but she was cold to us…Well she was nice as a waiter, but nothing more than that, you know that girls usually squeal and such when we’re around, but she was conservative. So we decided to have this bet, it wasn’t serious, actually I thought he won’t even do it ,but you know, we had nothing to do or talk about so we thought why not to try that.
- About what you were betting?-I interrupted him.
-Well…if Changmin had got her phone number, I would have paid for the dinner, and if he would, you know, slept with her, I mean had sex, I would have treated him with dinner at the best restaurant in Seoul. And now this jerk screwed everything up. Because I don’t know how many wons I’ll have to spend for his fucking luxurious dinner.
I almost chocked on his last sentence. I wanted to smash this pan into his head. How could they? How could they do such a cruel thing?
And now I realized everything. Her tears weren’t for nothing it was because of them.
-I’ll ask Yoochun to come,-Junsu said.
Thanks God, he went out, and I stabbed meat with the fork I was holding.
I couldn’t hear what they were talking about anymore, I just tried to chew food putting all my rage in to it, even if it slide down my throat hardly.
-So what where you saying, Jae?-Junsu asked.
I was too mad to answer, but I didn’t want to look suspicious so I forced myself to answer as normal as possible.
-Nothing. I was eating and you kept talking to yourself.
When after few moments Changmin came in they started asking him about that girl and now my ears were catching every noise.
While Changmin talked it seemed that he needed her, that he missed her. But it was too late, he did miss his chance, didn’t he? I couldn’t watch as members pitied him. So I said that he’s a Casanova, but no one really listened.
I know that my acts were strange, they were my friends and still I was angry at them. And for what? For a girl I saw once in my life time and no longer then few seconds?
‘JaeJoong, control yourself. Let Changmin do what he has to. He didn’t give up yet’-I thought-‘he’s your friend who deserved happiness…’
But deep down in my heart I knew that I won’t be able to stay calm if he makes a mistake again.
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Chapter 16 : The party

Post by Kinra on 7/9/2009, 11:36 am

Alex
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

This can’t be true.
I turned around and started going towards the direction we came.
-Stop! What’s wrong with you?-Eulgia shouted.
-Do you know who those guys are? Do you even imagine what jerks and idiots they are?! They’ll leave you the next moment they take out their cock from your ass!-I shouted.
-But Alex…
-Alex? Alexandra? Is it really you?-one of them came closer to us,-Whoa!!! I can’t believe. It’s her! Look, Micky! -Junsu screamed, - This world is so small!
-God, you changed a lot! This is what dress and make up does to a woman, Junsu. So keep that in mind, it doesn’t matter if you like ugly woman, of which I doubt a lot, just buy her make up and she will be as fuckin’new as from the super market,-Micky laughed.
-Fuck off. Idiot, - I showed him my middle finger.
-Well can’t you stop it! Both of you,-Junsu looked at Micky who was already moving towards me,-She’s a girl, Micky, and moreover our friend, you should be more friendly.
-Friend?-I asked, - Is this is how you treat your friends, Junsu? Then I’m really sorry for them. I truly am. But don’t include me in that list. Get it?
-Hey, there’s no point to be harsh. I’m sorry okay; there were things I shouldn’t have done. But it’s past, right? And we are not going to build our future from the past, so there’s no point in grieving. I’ll make it simply. We have no intentions in fucking or whatever else that may hurt you, but can we just have a couple drinks and talk? Please?
-So… You know each other already…?-Eulgia asked not understanding what’s going on.
-See! We already have a topic to chat! - Junsu came back to his squealing voice again, how could I ever I thought it was beautiful?

I may regret it, but I followed them and entered the red corridor again.

Soon we were covered by darkness and humming music. Yoochun ordered drinks and Eulgia was already leaning to him. I really didn’t want to know where this will lead so I just looked to the dance floor. These people really seemed free…free and drunk at this cheap place. Despite that, I couldn’t look away since their moves were hypnotizing me. So maybe cheap things can look cool sometimes I thought. I took my glass and tasted the drink. It was bitter, ice-cold and made me shiver. But I liked as my brains froze and blood started running faster. I never drank such shit before, so I was wondering what it was.
-Where did you get this? - I turned to Junsu, because Micky was already sucking Eulgia’s neck while she was sitting on his knees.
-You like I it, don’t you? It’s our secret formula, - Junsu chuckled.
Then he took my already empty glass and filled it with vodka or tonic I wasn’t sure because I couldn’t really read the label. Then he dragged a small plastic bag and took out a white pill. It wasn’t bigger then few millimeters. Then he putted it in to my drink and I saw small bubbles coming of as the pill was melting.
-Try this,-Junsu said again while doing double for him, - for everlasting friendship then?
-Yeah,-I said and took the glass to my lips. This time it hit me harder and I chocked on last gulp since I was missing oxygen.
-Are you ‘k?-Junsu patted my back.
-Yeah, - was the only thing I answered while my lungs were filling up with air.
-I’m sorry; I thought you’re used to this shit.
-I’m not, but I may get. The first one slide down pretty good, - I admitted.
-Then do you want a smoke?
-Sure, - I said. He took a cigarette into his mouth and sucked it while lighting up. Then he gave it to me.
- I know how to light it up.
-Who knows, I mean aren’t you our cute and innocent angel from not discovered worlds?
-Yeah, and I usually eat pokemons for dinner with Xena, - I laughed, - if I don’t have narrow eyes it doesn’t mean I’m less fucked up then you.
-So you are?
-Tell me who aren’t? Sure, I did have a normal life, but somehow I guess it was too boring so I ended up having fun all the time… even if it wasn’t funny, more like pathetic, but the point is, I’m not an alien from a suburb, who doesn’t know a thing how to party.
-Okay, miss party princes, shall we dance then?-Junsu said stretching his hand.
I took it without a word, with no care leaving Eulgia and her butt, which was already Micky’s property.
He dragged me to the center of the dance floor where all lights were flashing the most. I could feel my heart beating to the bass rhythm and my body slowly giving in to music.
-You like it here, don’t you?-he shouted into my ear.
-No,-I lied, - how did you found this place anyway?
-I didn’t have to. It’s mine, - Junsu laughed.
-What?!
-Well not technically, because it may not be good for my image, but I bought it, because I wanted to have a calm place with no paparazzi and stuff.
-You call it calm?! But how can you be sure that there are no stalkers here?
-On weekends we do not let in no one, just our friends, who are mostly celebrities, so they don’t really have a need to stalk us when they can simply talk to us whenever they want.
I nodded and looked around again. Most of the people had perfect bodies, botox smiles and Gucci or Prada on them. So I wasn’t really surprised.
-Do you want to look around? - Junsu asked.
I nodded again and followed him. Actually Junsu wasn’t such a jerk as I thought at first, and if I would remember his cute expression when I first met him or his nice butt, I had no choice as to let him lead me.
-Do you have favorite song or something?
-Nothing in particular that could be played at a club,-I said.
-It doesn’t matter if it suits here not; I’m the mood maker here, so just tell me when will come to DJ.
-Okay,-I was a bit surprised, because it was sort of nice thing, to play something I like in a place that doesn’t really go along with me.
As we passed a bar we took a couple more drinks and then we were at the red corridor again away from the noise and people. The dusk made it look cozy. When I noticed a small balcony aside, I began to like it even more.
-Who designed this place?
-JaeJoong hyung, but you don’t know him I guess.
-No, is he a famous designer or what?
-No,-Junsu laughed, - He’s our lead vocals, baby. Don’t tell me you never listened to our songs?
-Oh, I did, I have your album, but somehow I wanted to smash it, so I didn’t really notice who’s corrupting the cover.
-He will kill you if he would hear you saying that, - Junsu laughed.
-Why? Is he Korea’s representative for miss world or something?
-Din! Din! Din! You hit the jackpot!
I don’t know if it was because of the drinks or our constant laugh, but it was quite fun.
Then we entered the door that I didn’t notice at first.
-Do you already know the song?-Junsu asked,-because this is the place where magic happens.
-Yeah, it’s not like it’s my favorite, but I heard it recently and it was pretty good…You know Pink-I don’t believe you?
-Sure, it’s a bit torturing, but whatever. You heard that DJ?-he turned to a guy who was near the apparatus watching everyone dancing through a window. The guy nodded and we left the room through other door.
-I believe you already been in VIP before?-Junsu asked before opening the door.

I didn’t answer as the view turned me aback completely.
It was him.
On the same black couch as I saw Micky back then, with his spread legs, a bottle of whiskey in left hand and his right pressing some whore’s butt who was riding him,
I saw Changmin.
My stare was blank; at first he didn’t notice me, but after few seconds his gaze met mine, when suddenly the cowboy girl moaned as Changmin came for her.
I stepped forwards him stretched my hand above him and spilled all my cocktail on his head watching as every drop fell on his face. I smiled.
- I can’t believe I loved such a whore like you,-I said to him and then faced the girl, who still was on his leap, with his dick in her pussy, - suck him, he likes it, - and I placed the glass on her head.

As I ran through red corridor I could still hear my requested song… It seemed so ironical.

I didn’t wanted to believe it’s over, when I finally begun to hope that we can make it. When I finally thought that we can turn back time, make new lines to our story. When I finally was determined not to leave his side. He did. And this time it was for real.
So right now, I don’t mind it. I don’t mind to burn every memory of his in my head, because this truly was the end. The last my nightmare about him.

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Pink-i don't believe you

I don't mind it
I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set
And I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight
The times I've cried
We come to blows
And every night
The passion's there
So it's got to be right
Right?

No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend to
Not love me at all

I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams
When you can't wake up
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Chapter 17 : Sobering down

Post by Kinra on 7/11/2009, 12:45 am

Changmin’s side story
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My headache seemed to achieve such level of soreness that I couldn’t even think.
Mission accomplished then, huh?
My drinking hard yesterday had its consequences this morning of course.
I wasn’t surprised of spiteful taste in mouth nor of the bruises on my body, which were caused by my constant ‘hit the wall’ act.
I always remembered everything after such nights, maybe because I was able to stay conscious all the time.
Anyway, yesterday was an exception.
Every moment, every memory came like flash backs to me when I woke up from my nightmares. Nevertheless, I wished I wouldn’t have opened my eyes, because every recollection hurt ten thousand times more then wounds on my body.

***
I was strolling about the streets alone; remembering school times, when everything doesn’t seemed so difficult. But I made it myself I guess, because every thing has consequences and if you’ll struggle too much, of course you’ll get caught. And now I guess it was the right thing to describe it. I was caught, caught in crime place; like God is making me realize that I should already hit the brakes and stop fooling around. At first I was a calm boy and when I felt that I’m finally breaking the loose, I couldn’t do much as to enjoy every moment. Even if I was drinking, lying in bed, that I never saw before or simply racing with time in my car, everything was cool; I was free, free of my actions but not of my mind and soul.
I didn’t really care back then and every day I was simply postponing reality away from myself.
But something changed and I know who’s that something.
Simply by looking at her eyes I could feel the difference of being a man and just a plain puppet.
I could feel real. I could feel myself, because there was nothing to be afraid of. She greeted me the way I was, and never told me to change, do something different or teach me, as others did. She accepted me.
I felt poor at that time, poor because I couldn’t boast at nothing more then my apartment, car or money. I don’t know how’s that possible, but she enriched me. Day by day. Every her text message or call made to think what I can tell to her, and when I realized that it’s just shows and such, it frightened me. Am I that hollow? Anyway, she didn’t care, and I don’t know what she saw in me, because there really was nothing to hook up about. Despite the times when she wasn’t there with me, I still could feel her presence, because everything I did after we met, was because I wanted to show her what kind of a man I can be, that she can be proud of me, and think ‘he’s my man’ . Sure I missed her light skin, her sweet scent and tender touch. But longing for her made me even more exited, in my mind I even counted the days and left events after what’s, I could finally see her.
And when I did met her everything seemed like a tale. Now I could feel what real freedom was. Freedom to be yourself, freedom to explore yourself.
I don’t know if you can call it love, I never felt it before and I can not be sure now. I don’t know is this feeling should be warm and soft or ripping apart. Besides it’s just few days, that I know her and everything’s so fast, that sometimes it seems I can’t keep up with the speed, it just flows like no one of us could really control it.
I wasn’t ready to part with her and I don’t know if I ever would be able. But image of her leaving me hit me like 10 tons van and I was paralyzed to do something.
Maybe I was thinking too much if I should fight for her or let her go. In some way I wanted with every my cell to run after her when she left with broken heart. But I couldn’t.
I knew that soon I will depend on her, I’ll need to see her every day, to feel her presence. But I also knew that I won’t be able to, not just because of my schedule and events, I knew that we won’t be allowed to be together, that the world was against it before it even started. Maybe I was a fool that I already let it go too deep, because it was already hurting too much, but if I would kept her in my arms, won’t it be even harder later?
And if to be truly honest with myself, I had doubts. What if I won’t make her happy, what if it ends like scandal or something? Moreover, I faired to loose my independence, because I knew I would do whatever she says to me, and it made me feel weak. I was already the youngest member in the band and I always had to try harder to prove others that I’m capable to be in DBSK. So after such attempts I couldn’t be weak and fragile, like feelings for her caused me to be.

Suddenly my vibrating phone woke me up from my thoughts.
-Hey Changmin, are you dumb or what?!
-What shit are you talking Xiah?
-What shit?! I’ll tell you shit! Today I spend my whole free and supposed to be happy day arranging people to come to my gorgeous and amazing party, do I even have to tell how much I’m going to spend on drinks and make you all fuckin’ happy? But no, we have some kingkas here who need special invitation. Yunho disappeared in thin air, JaeJoong is totally ignoring me and if you are going to say that you’re not going to bring your fucking ass here, I promise I’ll make it hurt so much you won’t even bother to sit anymore!
-Then why are you doing it if no one really cares?
-Because I’m a good person, Changmin, I’m a fucking good person, and if you don’t want to know how bad I can turn, you better be there!
And he hung up.
Yeah, an interesting way to invite someone, don’t you think so?
I drove back to club and Xiah was already waving to me at the front door.
-I knew you’ll come!
-You know you’re pissing me off; I’m not in the mood to party.
-That’s the main reason why we have to party then, after couple drinks I’m sure you’ll be fine and hooking up the girl again,-he said taking me to the bar and handing me a glass of something I was not sure yet.
-You know I’m not looking for girls either. It’s a bad idea,-I said and gulped liquid, which warmed my throat instantly.
-I don’t get you Changmin. You are not willing to fight for that girl, but you’re not letting her go also. You have to make up your mind, either you search for her and plead for forgiveness on your knees, either you simply forget her and have fun tonight. I’m sure you’ll find help here, - he said while watching a girl with mini skirt passing by.
If I’m already here I can at least drink on Xiah bill. So I ordered few drinks and let worries to drown for this night.
Soon people were pouring to the ‘Cassiopeia’ and little by little I was getting drunk.
Xiah disappeared but I wasn’t alone, because some girls always tried to talk with me or ask me to dance, I didn’t bother to look at them.
-Give me something strong and make it double, - a girl with familiar voice said to the barmen.
-Wrong day, Tiff?-I asked not knowing why; I wasn’t really interested how was her day, but I guess I couldn’t hold my tongue between my teeth already, since drinks were making me dizzy.
-It doesn’t seem you had a good day yourself. We had a fight with Yuri.
-WE?
-I mean I had a fight with Yuri, she’s pissing me off with her cute lovey dovey goodness.
-Hmm, she’s pretty,-I said because I wanted to irritate her.
-Sure she is, if I would have boobs massage everyday I would be too!
-So no one is massaging you boobs Tiff? - I said pouring whiskey into my glass.
- It shouldn’t concern you.
-But didn’t you like Hero? You were falling for him right?
-It shouldn’t concern you either,-she said.
-Yeah you did…Why do you think he’s not accepting your love, huh? Is it because of the age gap? Or maybe you’re not good enough? Maybe you can’t swing you ass the way other girls do or maybe…maybe you’re just not a good fucker. Haven’t you thought about it? - I laughed drinking. I know I sounded like a jerk, but this time I had no intentions to seduce a girl, like I would always do, so I just let myself to act whatever I want.
-Everyone knows I fuck well.
-Sure, sure…-I chuckled, because somehow everything seemed so funny to me,-hey, Jack can you give me Xiah special?
-Mister, I think you shouldn’t…
-Come on he didn’t created it just to lie there!
Barmen rolled his eyes and gave me limpid drink who soon started bubbling after the pill was placed right were it belonged to.
-Fuck! Changmin, what are you doing?-Tiffany shouted into my ear.
-Nothing that could already make it worst.
I drank it in one shot and soon I knew that my word were a lie, because it was even hard to keep my balance on the chair.
-Did I mention that you are an idiot?
-No, but I know it already.
-Go and sleep. I’m sure next day your head will be splitting apart.
-Yeah, yeah, - I said standing up and walking like it was my first steps ever.
-You’re pathetic,-she said and took my arm over her shoulder.
-We all are, sweetheart, we all are,-I shouted as mad man.
I didn’t understood how she laid me on the black sofa, because it seemed that everything flew past me.
-Hive me that,-she said pointing at my whiskey bottle.
-No! He’s the only one I can trust here,-I said and hugged my bottle.
She tried to take it from me fiercely, but I didn’t loose my grip.
-Don’t act like a kid!-She said and pooled bottle with all her force. I let it go then and she fell on the sofa too.
-Jerk!
-Do you want me Tiff?-I asked, - I know you do, you wouldn’t be with a drunk guy then trying to take his last comfort away. You’re wicked, yes you’re, Tiff, and you know it.
-Who do you think you’re?!
-I? I guess I’m an idiot, but an idiot that every women wants to have in her bed.
-Pff…
-Do you know what it means?
-What means what?
- Pff. P.F.F. is a code word used for such girls like you commonly. It means Please Fuck Faster. But don’t worry I’m not interested in you, not because Hero is right that you can’t fuck well. You see when you have or at least had a girl that’s the best ever from the whole universe, you’re simply not interested in other simple girls, they’re just not good enough and they’ll never be. They’ll never compare to a queen.
-We’ll see about that,-she said and threw herself on me. Her tongue parted my lips. I took her head, because I wanted to pull her away. Her hair was silky, it reminded me of Alex…Her image burst into my head, and I don’t know why, but my drunk head made me to think for a moment that’s really her. But then I opened my eyes and it wasn’t Alex, it was Tiffany.
-Stop,-I said breathing heavily.
-So she isn’t that good, huh? You answered to my kiss and I know you want more. Don’t force yourself, you know you want me.
But it wasn’t her that I wished for, it was Alex. It was Alex kisses that I wished for like oxygen.
She licked my neck and started unbuttoning my shirt, just like Alex did the night we were sleeping on each others naked bodies.
-A…-I wanted to say her name, hoping that she’ll come and hug me tightly whispering that everything’s going to be okay, that we’ll make it and start everything from the beginning, but my lips were shut up by another kiss. I felt hands sliding slowly into my pants and starting to stroke my cock.
-No… listen, - I tried not to give in. But Tiffany wasn’t listening and I knew it won’t take too long to turn me on.
-You’re already hard,-she said and licked the top of me.
I welcomed her mouth that was trying to cope me and pressed her head harshly. With other hand I took the bottle that was on my left and gulped the drink again. I didn’t wanted that the image of Alex would fade away in my head. It wasn’t hard to imagine her right in front of me as I saw her back then on her knees, because whiskey was blurring my view and Tiff doing her job.
-Ah, harder… Alex, harder,-I whispered moaning.
Tiffany hit me hard and I opened my eyes.
-I’m not that whore!-she said and kissed me deeply forcing her tongue into my mouth.
I don’t know how she loosed her panties or maybe she wasn’t wearing them at all, but she took my member and showed the way into her. She was tight at first, but as soon she started riding me, I was comfortably in.
-Do it! Changmin, do it!-she moaned this time.
I took her butt and pressed her hardly. I don’t know if it was good, because even how helplessly I tried to imagine Alex on me, it still wasn’t that of a pleasure.
-Say my name,-I said hoping that it will turn me on. But as she screamed, it didn’t, so I just had to swallow another gulp of whiskey.
I thought of Alex and came for her, but Tiff moaned again and it woke me up from my dreams.
I opened my eyes and I couldn’t believe them.
There she was as sexy and beautiful as ever standing in front of me and watching me closely.
I was too shocked to say something, but she did.
- I can’t believe I loved such a whore like you,-she said while spilling her drink on me.
Her word crushed me completely. She…she loved…me.
- Suck him, he likes it,-she said to Tiff and putted the glass on her head like on a clown.
She turned her back to me and went away. I couldn’t watch her leave so I threw Tiff away zipped my pants and run after, but Junsu appeared suddenly and blocked the way out.
-Enough! I really don’t get why you act like this, but if you wouldn’t be my friend I would hit your fucking grin,-Junsu said and left me to fall to my knees.
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Kinra

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Chapter 18 : The search

Post by Kinra on 7/11/2009, 12:46 am

JaeJoong’s side story
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

‘Casiopeia’ was full of jerks and from all of them I needed just one.
-Where’s Junsu? - I asked Micky, who wasn’t wasting his time with some girl.
-Dunno, he went somewhere with Alex,-he said.
-What?!
-I said he went somewhere with Alex, you know, Max’s ex…we met her, so Xiah took her away somewhere while I was with this young lady here,- he smirked to her.
I wasn’t listening anymore what he had to say, I just needed to find them, so I headed to VIP. What that fucker is thinking about?! If he does something to her I promise I’ll…
-Ouch! Fuck, watch where you’re going!- Junsu shouted irritated, ‘cause I bumped into him, but suddenly he cut off when he noticed that’s me,-Oh, JaeJoong, what are you doing here?
-I should ask you the same. Where is she?!
-Where’s what?
-Don’t fool around, you know what I mean, where’s Alex?
-Well, I was just going to look for her when you disturbed me!
-So you’re telling me you don’t even know where she is?!
-Well, fuck, how can I know where she ran?!
-She wouldn’t run away without a reason! What have you done?
-Nothing…it’s not me who fucked up again…aish, we’ll speak later; I really have to find her now.
-Wait I’m going with you.
Junsu’s Mercedes roared and we drove down the street.
-Where are you driving?
-To her place.
-How come you know so much about her?- I was irritated because he knew stuff about her while I could only say just her name.
-I don’t, Changmin would pass her apartment often…Anyway, why do you care so much about her?
I didn’t say anything, and just looked around for her.
-I don’t know, I just do.
-Aish, you know you’re pissing me off. Really. Like all of you! At first Changmin fell for her, and now you’re getting all weird and such…I mean, man, I thought you’re dead rock with no place for girl in your heart, I even thought you’re a gay, when you rejected Tiffany. And now you’re falling for a girl you don’t even know?!
-I didn’t say I fall for her, it’s your own assumptions, I just said I care for her, because there are jerks who don’t know how women should be treated! And fuck, what’s with that gay shit?! Geeez…
-Come on, what should I think then, that you’re virgin Maria or something? And talking about Tiff…You know, I was with A, so I thought I will take her to VIP…Don’t look like that! I wasn’t going to fuck her! You know it’s a sensitive topic to her, I just wanted to talk privately and such, so I open the door and here you go Mr. Changmin with his hard cock in Tiff pussy. I was like whoa!!! But then I remembered A was right next to me, she turned all pale, you know…but then she like came to Changmin and said ‘I can’t believe I loved such a whore like you’ and then she spills her drink on his head, turns to Tiff and says to suck his cock, ‘cuz he likes it, I mean that would be so fucking cool and funny, but as I faced her, tears were rolling down her cheeks and she ran away, and Changmin was hurt too, beating the ground with his fists, but I couldn’t let him go after her. He already made such a mess. He like totally ruined my brilliant party!
-He…he fucked Tiff in front of…her? - I asked. I couldn’t believe in this, it wasn’t like him; he couldn’t be so cruel, besides I thought he cared for her…
-Well, shortly-yes. I don’t know the details; I just told you what my two glorious eyes saw, that’s it. And we’re already here, - he parked the car and I stepped out in front of a dorm.
-He shouldn’t have left her stay in such place.
-There’s many things Changmin shouldn’t have done, - I said and entered the dark corridor.
We checked few apartments but there was no sign of her.
-She couldn’t come back that fast, maybe she’s still wondering somewhere in the city?-Junsu asked.
-Take me to my car, we should split up.
-But hyung, how can we find her, we don’t even know where we should look.
-Just take me to my car, I’m not telling you to go with me!-I was angry that he let her go that easy, I was angry because I wasn’t there, I couldn’t protect her…
We were driving fast, but still I would look up at every passing by girl, hoping that it’s her. Teenagers with mini skirts, noonas and other women. All they looked so different but in the same time so alike. I was wondering are they living with hurt that men are bringing into their life, or maybe some of them are otherwise, players looking for lovers in the streets, looking for adventures and money. Even if I grew up surrounded by women I still couldn’t understand them completely. What they’re thinking of? What Alex is thinking of?
Where she could go?
I don’t know how many minutes or even hours passed, but I couldn’t find her. Maybe because I wasn’t really sure where I’m going? My car was just simply circling area around the club. I knew that’s almost impossible to meet her here…

Full moon occurred in the sky, moving away from the clouds, and I remembered how I would watch it from Han River’s bridge, waiting for the dawn and letting my thoughts to fade away with the moon.
I knew it’s going to be a sleepless night, so I turned my car to the opposite side and headed to the place, which I shared so many memories with.
I left my car parked, but the wind was colder here, so I had to take my jacket.
As I watched the running water, from high above, I was happy to come here.
There were too many worries in my head and I just couldn’t handle all of them.
The peace coming from the river let me to calm down a bit.
I wonder what would be different if I had missed that fight with Yunho, if I had stayed at home and didn’t meet her… would it still be this way? Probably not, but I can not regret it, since I have a purpose now. Purpose to make someone else’s existence better, to fill it with joy and love…

-Shit! Who acts this way, bitch?!-a screaming guy some meters away attracted my attention.
-Hey, Hyung, don’t bother, we can rape her here. No one would care about this slut anyway, - said other guy and took fragile girl’s wrists; she was attempting as hard as she could to escape from his grip, but he was too strong for her to handle and soon she fell on the ground ripping her small white cocktail dress…
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Re: A WAY TO HAPINESS

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