May 2019

Calendar Calendar

Visitor and Stalker

You are visitor #

hit counter script

Tag Us!
Latest topics

I love You

Go down

I love You Empty I love You

Post by Joesline on 6/11/2009, 8:59 pm

I love You


Beneath the eyes of fear for leaving, I felt loving again for the second time. To you, I'm glad to welcome emotions intruding me as much as it could. Positive or not, I felt loving because of you.

©️ JOESLINE Creation ` 11MARo9

Chapter 1

before it was you

I'm always in books, in poems, in forms of expression. Forms of expressing myself to the fullest, regardless of sadness or happiness and even hatred to any. Conscious of knowing the negative, I didn't dare to love like I know I could.
Remembering the past, the first guy I fell in love. I had this craze over him. Everything of him just amused me so much. His eyes always looked so dazzingly, in spectacles or not. I started keeping everything as collections from our school photos, class photos and magazines headlines. So long it appeared his angelic dazzingly face, I will keep it safely in my personal black file, the place I called my heart as.

The heart beat feeling was unforgettable even it had been seven years counting from then. How I could recognise the heatness beneath my fair and pale complexion. I am always looking down or to the right side where he is seating there quietly on my left. He is my centre of attention and I know how it will upset me late in the night that I could only admire from far and never having him by my side. So I told myself, love him quietly then. At least he won't know and I can carry on my crazy actions just because I love.

The craze continued a total of four years. Four years I am in that school, I never stop loving him and too never stop grieving over my love. He changed girlfriends two times and I remembered them. Their smile, their background, their school results, their favourites and even how they would looked like standing beside him. It's toxic to watch them always so close with him and me, acting ignorance when I passed by. The sourness crushing my heart feigned coldness on my face. I didn't want him to know my feelings even how much I wanted to. The heart says, "Just love him quietly like you always do."

I watched him excel in school, enjoying his teenage years and falling in and out of love. Everything he was doing, I captured it in my heart like a camera and keeping it safely to me. Flipping through at times when I missed him badly from days that I was not needed to attend school. I dreaded any kind of communication with him but I rejected any offer from our friends because I had to love him quietly.

Everything had become brown, like the photos had faded it's beautiful colour. Like a first love would be, I loved him. A past tense, not a present tense anymore. I loved him and never regret how my feelings were and what I had done for him. He never knew even until now, like a toxic that dies off quietly in me. I couldn't recognise how I had forgotten but I know I was when I see him again a year later after we graduated from the school.

At the chalet, he's still as amazing as before. His smile was still as warm as the sun, never stop catching my breath when I am around where he was. But, it was different. I could feel a new thing going on inside me. It was not toxic but soothing. It was new but not strange, a friendship that was bonded inside. My smiles filled the whole night, I toasted friends with many glasses of Martell. It was sweet although it was bitter. Happiness roamed me because I love it that way. I never regretted loving him and was relieved that love was gone because I was clear of endless dwelling. We wouldn't have a future together. It's time I should walk on and I did.

However, love wasn't just stopping by and go off so easy on me. I tried many guys after forgetting him, tried to feel loving a person again because I know how beautiful it was. I wanted to find someone to love and being together that I didn't had the chance when I love him. Yet, I failed many and many times I went into relationships. My fear of them hurting me, my worries that they will take forgranted of me just overpowering me with it. I walked off soon when I realised how much I was into myself than them. For years ever since the first love, I never love again. Deceiving myself that I am in love with every guy I was with and they believed but deep down in me, I know I wasn't. Still, I didn't went bothering about the gaps.

Until at a very common thing I did to know people, I met him. We chatted online for few weeks, not remembering who he actually was. Like as usual, I chatted and stopped after I see my time was up to run off from work and started another night of wildness. With whoever I was, I am happy physically. Emotions of mine was empty ever since the first love that I had already gotten used to it.

Yet, I didn't know what was coming at me. For the upteens of times that I chatted and not realising him as him, I finally settled my eyes on the screen for awhile. Carefully remembering his name as I chatted my soul to him. Exchanging our numbers and started long hours of talking as if we had know each other for very long. I wondered why didn't I notice him if we had been online friends for weeks?

Smiling to myself, I didn't bothered. On that day talking to him on the phone, I was having a hard time with my boyfriend. We quarrelled so much that the attraction had faded off long after I knew how much I hated him being by my side. His voice was getting irritating to me. I was guilty of the impression I had of him but I couldn't stop myself hating.

It was a red alarm signalling the end when I decided to spend my time with the new friend on the phone. I choose to be awake till late night even the day after I got to attend work. It was so exciting to me like a new drug addiction, I didn't like that his name was gone even just a minute. As I wasn't sure how much I had fallen over for him, I choose to believe strongly it was my infatuation. I am just attracted to his looks, not his heart, not loving him but I was wrong.

©️ JOESLINE Creation ` 11MARo9


Posts : 1
Reputation : 0
Join date : 2009-06-11
Age : 30

Back to top Go down

Back to top

- Similar topics

Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum